Sadly, I'm not too excited for this summer. I remember when I was younger, summer meant a break from school and hanging out with friends. High school, however, has reinvented the meaning of summer for students everywhere.
Instead of having a complete break from society and school, summer is instead a complete frenzy. Sometimes, you're even busier than you would be if you were at school. Kids these days are pressured into rough nights of partying and days of cramming to get that last bit of summer homework in and e-mailed just before the tick of the clock that signifies it's late.
Rather than students acheiving that short sanctuary they've waited all year for, they're pressured from innumerable sources, to do things to please other people and everyone.
My motto for this summer? I'm just trying to get everything done, as quick as possible. I need a break from everything and everyone, and as always, plans are falling through.
In other knews, I completely recommend listening to Four Year Strong's new album. To all you youngsters, have a good summer. To all of you adolescents: may the force be with you.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I Miss The Days
Midterms start tomorrow and I couldn't be any less scared shitless. I shouldn't be, I've studied hard and used my preparation time well, but it doesn't affect my anxiety whatsoever. What it really boils down to is my inability to handle stress. When an obsticle wedges itself in my way, I'm not sure how to handle it.
So, in a very Kim way to avoid the subject, I began rummaging through the box that used to be my room. That huge cardboard mass full of posters and hardly used things. I almost had to pull everything in that box out before I found what I was really looking for--my Creative Writing folder.
Every time I think about that class, I want to cry and smile at the same time. I miss it so much. It's hard going through a day without a class that you want to go to. It's terrible not having a story or poem to look forward to, and not knowing who you can cry to. I miss Jeremy, who was there to be awkward and play TapTap with. I miss the writer's block, and even Emily and Paula. Their fighting made it such a real family.
I read through my poems in chronological order. I laughed at the first poems, about Ben. They weren't even that good, but I had straight A's in that class until the very last day. It amused me that my writing got so much better throughout the year.
I find it very sad that I haven't written anything other than essays since that class. It's hard to find inspiration when I don't have anybody to write for. As a late new year's resolution, I've decided that I'm going to start writing again. It's my dream to be a journalist for a music-related magazine and to be an English teacher. I need to make this happen.
By the way, AWOL by Broadway is beautiful<3
So, in a very Kim way to avoid the subject, I began rummaging through the box that used to be my room. That huge cardboard mass full of posters and hardly used things. I almost had to pull everything in that box out before I found what I was really looking for--my Creative Writing folder.
Every time I think about that class, I want to cry and smile at the same time. I miss it so much. It's hard going through a day without a class that you want to go to. It's terrible not having a story or poem to look forward to, and not knowing who you can cry to. I miss Jeremy, who was there to be awkward and play TapTap with. I miss the writer's block, and even Emily and Paula. Their fighting made it such a real family.
I read through my poems in chronological order. I laughed at the first poems, about Ben. They weren't even that good, but I had straight A's in that class until the very last day. It amused me that my writing got so much better throughout the year.
I find it very sad that I haven't written anything other than essays since that class. It's hard to find inspiration when I don't have anybody to write for. As a late new year's resolution, I've decided that I'm going to start writing again. It's my dream to be a journalist for a music-related magazine and to be an English teacher. I need to make this happen.
By the way, AWOL by Broadway is beautiful<3
Monday, January 4, 2010
It's Been Far Too Long
Until right now, I completely forgot about my once-love for blogging. That five minutes each day taking the time to write about something important or on your mind. It's not that I haven't had anything important to blog about, I've had plenty go down in the past seven (and a half) months. For the sake of anyone who might possibly read this (and so I don't forget), I'll recap two thousand nine for you.
I started out the year completely heartbroken. I had just been broken up with by someone I truly cared about, but on a happier note, I was a newly declared vegetarian. By February, I had developed feelings for two other people, one being my current boyfriend, and one being my "ex". I use the term "ex" in quotations because he was never really a "boyfriend." My mom used to tell me that when we were together, and I'd cry and scream until she took it back.
I try to forget about the feelings that occured in those few months I spent on him. They were real feelings on my part, but it became clear that they couldn't have been real on his. He was a father, with a girlfriend, who he had been seeing for a year. I was only meant to be his best friend. He knew that. Still, though, he manipulated me into feeling what he wanted me to feel.
That behind me, there was a very important event occuring in my life. I was falling in love--genuine love--and I barely even knew it. April twentysecond was a field trip with my Honors English and History classes to Mideval Times. Not the most exciting field trip, but I didn't have my mind on knights that day. I dragged that poor boy everywhere with me, not realizing that I may have been turning him off or freaking him out. I could barely help myself, I needed him close to me. I remember wanting to kiss him more than anything that day, but I was too shy.
Unfortunately for me, four days after that trip on which I discovered my ever-present love for Eric Mauro, he started dating someone else. My ex-bestfriend, and a well known "skankbag". I could barely handle it. I remember texting him "So you like her?" and he texted me back saying "I love her." I cried so hard, I could barely breathe. Even within the next few days, when I finally gathered the courage to admit my feelings, he blew me off for her. I felt so broken by what he did, almost a little betrayed. I spent a long time working up a friendship and I didn't want to ruin it. I even liked him the previous schoolyear. To hear him say "too bad" was like watching a puppy drown...
Much to his (and my) discontent, she broke up with him barely a month later, leaving him completely sad. His first girlfriend and first kiss had left him for someone else. I felt legitimate sadness. I was there for him throughout the recovery process, rebuilding our friendship. In history, we'd pass notes constantly, and it was just like everything I'd always wanted from a boy. He didn't want anything physical from me, just me for me. Even as a friend, it was perfect. The time came, though, when I could barely handle just being friends. I'd be giggling each time I got a text. When I was ready, I asked him, "Hypothetically speaking, what if I liked you?" to which he replied, "Hypothetically speaking, I'd like you too."
It was absolutely perfect. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. A yearlong friendship leading up to the most real relationship. Our first kiss together was on a dare, in lunch. Both of us were so nervous, I wound up slinging my arm around him pulling him awkwardly close, then stopping to ask, "Is it alright if I kiss you?"
The past seven months have been generally happy for me, a definite change from how things used to be. A blissful array of boyfriend, bestfriend, school work, and amazing music. As for the music, I'm currently recommending Enter Shikari, Dropout Year, and Family Force 5. Quite a diverse selection, however I love music.
And as for 2010 rolling in, I welcome it. May it bring change for the better in my life in yours. Maybe my mom and I can run away, or maybe things will actually work out so that we can stay happily. Whatever the case, I'm excited. Let this year be the start of a better life, and a better me.
I started out the year completely heartbroken. I had just been broken up with by someone I truly cared about, but on a happier note, I was a newly declared vegetarian. By February, I had developed feelings for two other people, one being my current boyfriend, and one being my "ex". I use the term "ex" in quotations because he was never really a "boyfriend." My mom used to tell me that when we were together, and I'd cry and scream until she took it back.
I try to forget about the feelings that occured in those few months I spent on him. They were real feelings on my part, but it became clear that they couldn't have been real on his. He was a father, with a girlfriend, who he had been seeing for a year. I was only meant to be his best friend. He knew that. Still, though, he manipulated me into feeling what he wanted me to feel.
That behind me, there was a very important event occuring in my life. I was falling in love--genuine love--and I barely even knew it. April twentysecond was a field trip with my Honors English and History classes to Mideval Times. Not the most exciting field trip, but I didn't have my mind on knights that day. I dragged that poor boy everywhere with me, not realizing that I may have been turning him off or freaking him out. I could barely help myself, I needed him close to me. I remember wanting to kiss him more than anything that day, but I was too shy.
Unfortunately for me, four days after that trip on which I discovered my ever-present love for Eric Mauro, he started dating someone else. My ex-bestfriend, and a well known "skankbag". I could barely handle it. I remember texting him "So you like her?" and he texted me back saying "I love her." I cried so hard, I could barely breathe. Even within the next few days, when I finally gathered the courage to admit my feelings, he blew me off for her. I felt so broken by what he did, almost a little betrayed. I spent a long time working up a friendship and I didn't want to ruin it. I even liked him the previous schoolyear. To hear him say "too bad" was like watching a puppy drown...
Much to his (and my) discontent, she broke up with him barely a month later, leaving him completely sad. His first girlfriend and first kiss had left him for someone else. I felt legitimate sadness. I was there for him throughout the recovery process, rebuilding our friendship. In history, we'd pass notes constantly, and it was just like everything I'd always wanted from a boy. He didn't want anything physical from me, just me for me. Even as a friend, it was perfect. The time came, though, when I could barely handle just being friends. I'd be giggling each time I got a text. When I was ready, I asked him, "Hypothetically speaking, what if I liked you?" to which he replied, "Hypothetically speaking, I'd like you too."
It was absolutely perfect. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. A yearlong friendship leading up to the most real relationship. Our first kiss together was on a dare, in lunch. Both of us were so nervous, I wound up slinging my arm around him pulling him awkwardly close, then stopping to ask, "Is it alright if I kiss you?"
The past seven months have been generally happy for me, a definite change from how things used to be. A blissful array of boyfriend, bestfriend, school work, and amazing music. As for the music, I'm currently recommending Enter Shikari, Dropout Year, and Family Force 5. Quite a diverse selection, however I love music.
And as for 2010 rolling in, I welcome it. May it bring change for the better in my life in yours. Maybe my mom and I can run away, or maybe things will actually work out so that we can stay happily. Whatever the case, I'm excited. Let this year be the start of a better life, and a better me.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
All I Want Is A Little Place Of My Own, Where I Can Rest My Head.
So, starting out this day, it's first period. I'm extremely tired, and will probably fall asleep in lab bio while Mrs. Wright charges my iPod. [she's reallllly cool like that.] On this day, I will have to skip Spanish class, just to avoid telling Senora that I didn't do my project yet, and I probably should skip English, because I didn't do my research paper due Monday for that class. I'll figure out a cover up for that one though. When the time comes.
I really don't have anything to write about, and for that, I am deeply deeply sorry. I'm not having a very inspirational point in life. Usually the things that inspire me, are the things I can't write about. If you knew what that meant, you'd understand why I can't write about them. [in fact, I'm pretty sure the two of you that have read this know, but still.]
Actually, at 7:59 AM on Thursday, May 14th, I'm thinking about yesterday. I got a very nice kiss yesterday. Nice enough, obviously, to stay in my mind. I don't think he realized how much I liked it. The kind of not open mouth kiss, but it's like one lip at a time. In thinking about this kiss, I have realized that this anonymous kisser is possibly the best kisser I've ever kissed. He gives the softest, most loving, innocent kisses ever, even though he's not the most innocent. I think it has to do with those intoxicating chocolate brown eyes. [and I am intensely hoping he will NEVER read this to know I think about him this much.]
Also, yesterday was the first night of One Act Plays. They went really well, even though I didn't understand the one of them. The first was about old ladies falling in love with a younger man. I can fully understand their affection for this "younger man" because I had the biggest crush ever on him. Okay, I have :3
Hmm...do we get quizilla on school computers?
I really don't have anything to write about, and for that, I am deeply deeply sorry. I'm not having a very inspirational point in life. Usually the things that inspire me, are the things I can't write about. If you knew what that meant, you'd understand why I can't write about them. [in fact, I'm pretty sure the two of you that have read this know, but still.]
Actually, at 7:59 AM on Thursday, May 14th, I'm thinking about yesterday. I got a very nice kiss yesterday. Nice enough, obviously, to stay in my mind. I don't think he realized how much I liked it. The kind of not open mouth kiss, but it's like one lip at a time. In thinking about this kiss, I have realized that this anonymous kisser is possibly the best kisser I've ever kissed. He gives the softest, most loving, innocent kisses ever, even though he's not the most innocent. I think it has to do with those intoxicating chocolate brown eyes. [and I am intensely hoping he will NEVER read this to know I think about him this much.]
Also, yesterday was the first night of One Act Plays. They went really well, even though I didn't understand the one of them. The first was about old ladies falling in love with a younger man. I can fully understand their affection for this "younger man" because I had the biggest crush ever on him. Okay, I have :3
Hmm...do we get quizilla on school computers?
Monday, May 11, 2009
I Miss My Big Brother.
I'm usually very easy to please. Little things make me intensely happy, like this blog has been making my day since I started it. Even though I'm the only one who reads it. However, as easy as it is to make my mood, it's as easy to break it. More than likely, it was a comment or just a small, miniscule action. I'm easy to bring down, is the point.
Recently though, I've been doing great, as long as I'm not thinking about the only depressing thing I actually can currently say. That of course, would be my loneliness for my cousin Jon. By this point, he's not even my cousin. He's my big brother, literally. Meaning I can be mad at him, he can bug the crap out of me at points.
Usually when people use the term "big brother" or "little sister" or something, they use it in the wrong way. I don't get along with my brother at all. In fact, I broke his arm when I was six. That's not important though. People use it for close friends, like my best guy friend Brybry. He calls me his sister, he's my big brother. I don't fight with him though. I never disobey or get mad at him. Therefore, this term is inaccurate.
And even if Brybry was effectively my "big brother", he wouldn't be able to replace Jon. I don't think anyone ever can to me. Jon, I think, was the first person I've ever actually really cared for, not counting my mom or anything.
I remember this one night, we were out til the sun came up. He bought me wawa: a soda and a sandwich. I then proceeded to spill the soda on the sandwich, but at two a.m., I was hungry enough to eat it. I remember the Jimmy Eat World playing, which reminds me of the Jimmy Eat World shirt I got him the one Christmas. I didn't have money, so I had to return one of my presents in order to get it for him. It was worth it.
I never thought he'd actually leave. I mean, he lived in our basement for such a long time. I got so used to him being around. I just never thought he'd be happier anywhere else, cause I was never happier at my house.
He's in Florida, with my aunt Alice and a few of my cousins. Jon, though, is the only one I feel for particularly. Not that I don't love my family...it's just...
...I miss my big brother.
Recently though, I've been doing great, as long as I'm not thinking about the only depressing thing I actually can currently say. That of course, would be my loneliness for my cousin Jon. By this point, he's not even my cousin. He's my big brother, literally. Meaning I can be mad at him, he can bug the crap out of me at points.
Usually when people use the term "big brother" or "little sister" or something, they use it in the wrong way. I don't get along with my brother at all. In fact, I broke his arm when I was six. That's not important though. People use it for close friends, like my best guy friend Brybry. He calls me his sister, he's my big brother. I don't fight with him though. I never disobey or get mad at him. Therefore, this term is inaccurate.
And even if Brybry was effectively my "big brother", he wouldn't be able to replace Jon. I don't think anyone ever can to me. Jon, I think, was the first person I've ever actually really cared for, not counting my mom or anything.
I remember this one night, we were out til the sun came up. He bought me wawa: a soda and a sandwich. I then proceeded to spill the soda on the sandwich, but at two a.m., I was hungry enough to eat it. I remember the Jimmy Eat World playing, which reminds me of the Jimmy Eat World shirt I got him the one Christmas. I didn't have money, so I had to return one of my presents in order to get it for him. It was worth it.
I never thought he'd actually leave. I mean, he lived in our basement for such a long time. I got so used to him being around. I just never thought he'd be happier anywhere else, cause I was never happier at my house.
He's in Florida, with my aunt Alice and a few of my cousins. Jon, though, is the only one I feel for particularly. Not that I don't love my family...it's just...
...I miss my big brother.
What Not To Do When You Like Someone.
Being a hormone driven teenager, I can fully agree when I say I have liked my fair share of people. I mean, I'm fifteen. Guys are hot. I'm one of those people that see potential in everyone. Meaning, I've pretty much had a crush on every guy I've met. I'm not desperate, though. Crushes don't necessarily mean I like them like them.
I can tell you what not to do when you like someone, though, through experience. I'm an all around friendly person. I like to be friends with everyone. Along with that friendliness, I'm kind of too trusting. Not meaning I tell everyone I meet my secrets, definitely not that. I just...trust people.
And recently, this one person that I really trusted absolutely betrayed me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm quite the affectionate girl. I like affection, closeness, I'm clingy. It gets me in trouble a lot, but I can't really change it. It's just the way I act. This ex-friend of mine told my best friend's PREGNANT girlfriend that he asked me out. Of course, he didn't. He's not like that. We aren't like that. But for some reason, this so called "friend" of mine decided to straight out lie to her.
Worst of all, he'd been telling me how much he still liked me earlier in the day! He's liked me since February. I guess some kind of...process in his brain told him that if he could get rid of my guy best friend, that he had a better chance of being with me.
Well, sorry to him, but it definitely did not help his case. I flipped out, which is something I never ever ever do. I told him he didn't know anything about me, and what goes on in my friendships. The next day, he texted me, while I was still absolutely mad at him, and he was all "I forgive you. You had every reason to flip out."
I'm sitting there, completely lost. I didn't want to be forgiven. I'm not sorry, and I don't think I ever will be. Even if we get over this whole trust thing, I won't be sorry for that. He deserved it.
The most painful part here, is that my bestfriend had to tell me. His girlfriend called him or texted him or whatever about me. "Creepermuffinstalkerguy" still talks to my best friend. I don't think "CMSG" knows that his girlfriend told him.
The moral of my story, is pretty much, when you like someone, don't let premature thoughts come in the way of what could be a friendship. Like "CMSG", who acted without thinking through, you should not use force either.
See? I learned something from Gandhi in History.
I can tell you what not to do when you like someone, though, through experience. I'm an all around friendly person. I like to be friends with everyone. Along with that friendliness, I'm kind of too trusting. Not meaning I tell everyone I meet my secrets, definitely not that. I just...trust people.
And recently, this one person that I really trusted absolutely betrayed me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm quite the affectionate girl. I like affection, closeness, I'm clingy. It gets me in trouble a lot, but I can't really change it. It's just the way I act. This ex-friend of mine told my best friend's PREGNANT girlfriend that he asked me out. Of course, he didn't. He's not like that. We aren't like that. But for some reason, this so called "friend" of mine decided to straight out lie to her.
Worst of all, he'd been telling me how much he still liked me earlier in the day! He's liked me since February. I guess some kind of...process in his brain told him that if he could get rid of my guy best friend, that he had a better chance of being with me.
Well, sorry to him, but it definitely did not help his case. I flipped out, which is something I never ever ever do. I told him he didn't know anything about me, and what goes on in my friendships. The next day, he texted me, while I was still absolutely mad at him, and he was all "I forgive you. You had every reason to flip out."
I'm sitting there, completely lost. I didn't want to be forgiven. I'm not sorry, and I don't think I ever will be. Even if we get over this whole trust thing, I won't be sorry for that. He deserved it.
The most painful part here, is that my bestfriend had to tell me. His girlfriend called him or texted him or whatever about me. "Creepermuffinstalkerguy" still talks to my best friend. I don't think "CMSG" knows that his girlfriend told him.
The moral of my story, is pretty much, when you like someone, don't let premature thoughts come in the way of what could be a friendship. Like "CMSG", who acted without thinking through, you should not use force either.
See? I learned something from Gandhi in History.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Why I Don't Like Weekends.
I'm guessing every one has "their place." That place where everything just seems right. Nothing is wrong, and no one is judging you. Maybe it's in your room, alone with just your stuffed animals. Maybe it's in the most crowded section of WalMart, so you just feel like a part of something.
My place is my Creative Writing class. Monday through Friday, that class is why I bother to go to school. I don't even know why I chose it. Sure, I love writing. I could've taken Journalism or Foods or something. All I can say, is whatever reason I had for choosing this class, I am thankful for.
My teacher is possibly one of the coolest people I've met. I know some people could disagree [*cough*brybry*cough*], but I have no idea why. In all honesty, I see a little bit of me in her. She's fun, caring, and really cool. Not to mention, she has the same kind of emotional span. I won't elaborate on what that means or how I know that, but it's true.
That class is full of some of the best people I have ever met. I have never been able to be so...non-judgemental before in my life. I mean, half those kids are fucked up. There is something deep, dark, and painful about every single one of us. [except maybe Doug and Joe Grogg, but their writing is fine without our Darkish outlook]. For instance, we'll take one of my favorite writers. He likes to use big words. Phancy Phrases. He's been through some shtuff. I won't lie. Je--I mean, "Favorite Writer Guy" really does make my life seem more happy.
It's like, in that class, no one has a reason to be scared to share or tell or cry or anything. That class isn't even about writing to me. It's about self expression in general. I could walk in that class happy as a frickingg...pogo stick on cocaine, and share it with everyone. I could walk in there as depressed as...a pogo stick with no more cocaine [ )': ] and share and everyone would help.
My home isn't my place of serenity. It's like...anti serene. In creative writing, though, surrounded by people just like me, just the opposite, and everyone in between, I've found where it's okay to be Kim and have real feelings.
...and I know where to get phone service :3
<3
My place is my Creative Writing class. Monday through Friday, that class is why I bother to go to school. I don't even know why I chose it. Sure, I love writing. I could've taken Journalism or Foods or something. All I can say, is whatever reason I had for choosing this class, I am thankful for.
My teacher is possibly one of the coolest people I've met. I know some people could disagree [*cough*brybry*cough*], but I have no idea why. In all honesty, I see a little bit of me in her. She's fun, caring, and really cool. Not to mention, she has the same kind of emotional span. I won't elaborate on what that means or how I know that, but it's true.
That class is full of some of the best people I have ever met. I have never been able to be so...non-judgemental before in my life. I mean, half those kids are fucked up. There is something deep, dark, and painful about every single one of us. [except maybe Doug and Joe Grogg, but their writing is fine without our Darkish outlook]. For instance, we'll take one of my favorite writers. He likes to use big words. Phancy Phrases. He's been through some shtuff. I won't lie. Je--I mean, "Favorite Writer Guy" really does make my life seem more happy.
It's like, in that class, no one has a reason to be scared to share or tell or cry or anything. That class isn't even about writing to me. It's about self expression in general. I could walk in that class happy as a frickingg...pogo stick on cocaine, and share it with everyone. I could walk in there as depressed as...a pogo stick with no more cocaine [ )': ] and share and everyone would help.
My home isn't my place of serenity. It's like...anti serene. In creative writing, though, surrounded by people just like me, just the opposite, and everyone in between, I've found where it's okay to be Kim and have real feelings.
...and I know where to get phone service :3
<3
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