Midterms start tomorrow and I couldn't be any less scared shitless. I shouldn't be, I've studied hard and used my preparation time well, but it doesn't affect my anxiety whatsoever. What it really boils down to is my inability to handle stress. When an obsticle wedges itself in my way, I'm not sure how to handle it.
So, in a very Kim way to avoid the subject, I began rummaging through the box that used to be my room. That huge cardboard mass full of posters and hardly used things. I almost had to pull everything in that box out before I found what I was really looking for--my Creative Writing folder.
Every time I think about that class, I want to cry and smile at the same time. I miss it so much. It's hard going through a day without a class that you want to go to. It's terrible not having a story or poem to look forward to, and not knowing who you can cry to. I miss Jeremy, who was there to be awkward and play TapTap with. I miss the writer's block, and even Emily and Paula. Their fighting made it such a real family.
I read through my poems in chronological order. I laughed at the first poems, about Ben. They weren't even that good, but I had straight A's in that class until the very last day. It amused me that my writing got so much better throughout the year.
I find it very sad that I haven't written anything other than essays since that class. It's hard to find inspiration when I don't have anybody to write for. As a late new year's resolution, I've decided that I'm going to start writing again. It's my dream to be a journalist for a music-related magazine and to be an English teacher. I need to make this happen.
By the way, AWOL by Broadway is beautiful<3
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
It's Been Far Too Long
Until right now, I completely forgot about my once-love for blogging. That five minutes each day taking the time to write about something important or on your mind. It's not that I haven't had anything important to blog about, I've had plenty go down in the past seven (and a half) months. For the sake of anyone who might possibly read this (and so I don't forget), I'll recap two thousand nine for you.
I started out the year completely heartbroken. I had just been broken up with by someone I truly cared about, but on a happier note, I was a newly declared vegetarian. By February, I had developed feelings for two other people, one being my current boyfriend, and one being my "ex". I use the term "ex" in quotations because he was never really a "boyfriend." My mom used to tell me that when we were together, and I'd cry and scream until she took it back.
I try to forget about the feelings that occured in those few months I spent on him. They were real feelings on my part, but it became clear that they couldn't have been real on his. He was a father, with a girlfriend, who he had been seeing for a year. I was only meant to be his best friend. He knew that. Still, though, he manipulated me into feeling what he wanted me to feel.
That behind me, there was a very important event occuring in my life. I was falling in love--genuine love--and I barely even knew it. April twentysecond was a field trip with my Honors English and History classes to Mideval Times. Not the most exciting field trip, but I didn't have my mind on knights that day. I dragged that poor boy everywhere with me, not realizing that I may have been turning him off or freaking him out. I could barely help myself, I needed him close to me. I remember wanting to kiss him more than anything that day, but I was too shy.
Unfortunately for me, four days after that trip on which I discovered my ever-present love for Eric Mauro, he started dating someone else. My ex-bestfriend, and a well known "skankbag". I could barely handle it. I remember texting him "So you like her?" and he texted me back saying "I love her." I cried so hard, I could barely breathe. Even within the next few days, when I finally gathered the courage to admit my feelings, he blew me off for her. I felt so broken by what he did, almost a little betrayed. I spent a long time working up a friendship and I didn't want to ruin it. I even liked him the previous schoolyear. To hear him say "too bad" was like watching a puppy drown...
Much to his (and my) discontent, she broke up with him barely a month later, leaving him completely sad. His first girlfriend and first kiss had left him for someone else. I felt legitimate sadness. I was there for him throughout the recovery process, rebuilding our friendship. In history, we'd pass notes constantly, and it was just like everything I'd always wanted from a boy. He didn't want anything physical from me, just me for me. Even as a friend, it was perfect. The time came, though, when I could barely handle just being friends. I'd be giggling each time I got a text. When I was ready, I asked him, "Hypothetically speaking, what if I liked you?" to which he replied, "Hypothetically speaking, I'd like you too."
It was absolutely perfect. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. A yearlong friendship leading up to the most real relationship. Our first kiss together was on a dare, in lunch. Both of us were so nervous, I wound up slinging my arm around him pulling him awkwardly close, then stopping to ask, "Is it alright if I kiss you?"
The past seven months have been generally happy for me, a definite change from how things used to be. A blissful array of boyfriend, bestfriend, school work, and amazing music. As for the music, I'm currently recommending Enter Shikari, Dropout Year, and Family Force 5. Quite a diverse selection, however I love music.
And as for 2010 rolling in, I welcome it. May it bring change for the better in my life in yours. Maybe my mom and I can run away, or maybe things will actually work out so that we can stay happily. Whatever the case, I'm excited. Let this year be the start of a better life, and a better me.
I started out the year completely heartbroken. I had just been broken up with by someone I truly cared about, but on a happier note, I was a newly declared vegetarian. By February, I had developed feelings for two other people, one being my current boyfriend, and one being my "ex". I use the term "ex" in quotations because he was never really a "boyfriend." My mom used to tell me that when we were together, and I'd cry and scream until she took it back.
I try to forget about the feelings that occured in those few months I spent on him. They were real feelings on my part, but it became clear that they couldn't have been real on his. He was a father, with a girlfriend, who he had been seeing for a year. I was only meant to be his best friend. He knew that. Still, though, he manipulated me into feeling what he wanted me to feel.
That behind me, there was a very important event occuring in my life. I was falling in love--genuine love--and I barely even knew it. April twentysecond was a field trip with my Honors English and History classes to Mideval Times. Not the most exciting field trip, but I didn't have my mind on knights that day. I dragged that poor boy everywhere with me, not realizing that I may have been turning him off or freaking him out. I could barely help myself, I needed him close to me. I remember wanting to kiss him more than anything that day, but I was too shy.
Unfortunately for me, four days after that trip on which I discovered my ever-present love for Eric Mauro, he started dating someone else. My ex-bestfriend, and a well known "skankbag". I could barely handle it. I remember texting him "So you like her?" and he texted me back saying "I love her." I cried so hard, I could barely breathe. Even within the next few days, when I finally gathered the courage to admit my feelings, he blew me off for her. I felt so broken by what he did, almost a little betrayed. I spent a long time working up a friendship and I didn't want to ruin it. I even liked him the previous schoolyear. To hear him say "too bad" was like watching a puppy drown...
Much to his (and my) discontent, she broke up with him barely a month later, leaving him completely sad. His first girlfriend and first kiss had left him for someone else. I felt legitimate sadness. I was there for him throughout the recovery process, rebuilding our friendship. In history, we'd pass notes constantly, and it was just like everything I'd always wanted from a boy. He didn't want anything physical from me, just me for me. Even as a friend, it was perfect. The time came, though, when I could barely handle just being friends. I'd be giggling each time I got a text. When I was ready, I asked him, "Hypothetically speaking, what if I liked you?" to which he replied, "Hypothetically speaking, I'd like you too."
It was absolutely perfect. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. A yearlong friendship leading up to the most real relationship. Our first kiss together was on a dare, in lunch. Both of us were so nervous, I wound up slinging my arm around him pulling him awkwardly close, then stopping to ask, "Is it alright if I kiss you?"
The past seven months have been generally happy for me, a definite change from how things used to be. A blissful array of boyfriend, bestfriend, school work, and amazing music. As for the music, I'm currently recommending Enter Shikari, Dropout Year, and Family Force 5. Quite a diverse selection, however I love music.
And as for 2010 rolling in, I welcome it. May it bring change for the better in my life in yours. Maybe my mom and I can run away, or maybe things will actually work out so that we can stay happily. Whatever the case, I'm excited. Let this year be the start of a better life, and a better me.
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